Habits!

Changing habits

My taste for food is changing.  As I eat a burger and fries, a slice of pizza, or shoving down a snickers I am paying attention to how these foods taste.  Truth is most of them are quite gross. Foods I used to love, are now making me sick to my stomach. 

Mindless eating has always been a talent of mine. I have eaten junk food so frequently throughout my life; that I never really payed attention to how they made me feel, or if they were even worth eating.  Eating many of these unhealthy items is completely out of habit.  Through these past few months I have worked on cutting out gluten products. On days that I am free if the grains I feel much better than the days I eat them. I have also started to eat more vegetables and fruits. Truth is, a homemade meal that incorporates vegetables has amazing flavor. I have found a great love for cooking. My next step in this journey is going to be the hardest. 

I don't lose weight just working out and eating semi heavy.  Over the next few months I am choosing to cut out all junk.I don't expect to be perfect right away, but I want to change.  I desire to become the healthiest me. So by the end of ... Let's say may I am eating clean. 

Beast unleashed

Today was fantastic! During my workout I pushed myself as hard as I could. I tolerated the pain and pushed. I did a lot more running today than I normally do. I can't wait to be able to run without pain in my muscles. 

Because of my push and my trainer, David, giving us a yoga cool down I was at so much peace after my workout. I accomplished a lot today. I can do a pretty good  girly push up on my knees. 10lb weights are now too easy... And I can run longer than 2 seconds. My body is changing and I love it.  I feel good about myself. I am stronger and much happier. As I gain more flexibility I know that these workouts will get even better. 

Energy

As I got to work today I had this overwhelming feeling of joy. I had energy. Not long ago I was relying on monster energy drinks and red bulls to get me through the day. More often than not I was drinking two a day. Even with the energy drinks I still lacked energy. 

I have been working out at Orange Theory Fitness since October 17th. I go 3 to 5 days a week. It has encouraged me to focus on my health. Working out has given me a lot of energy. I have also started drinking more water. 

Our bodies are so amazing! I will now start focusing on my nutrition. It is going to be the hardest part of this journey, but will be worth it. 

Where is my Progress?

So it has been a few months. But I can assure you that I have not quit on my journey. In fact I joined a gym. Orangetheory Fitness. Look them up, they are fantastic!

I have been working out consistently 3 or more times a week since October 17th.  Not much has changed in my weight. as of this morning I weighed 267.7 I HATE the scale. It never changes... no matter my work, my food, or well anything for that matter. IT has been very frustrating. But I can say I am stronger, I do have more muscle mass, and I feel a lot better. Because my goal is not to get skinny, but to become strong.

Each workout is excruciating. Running is really hard for me. My legs are very tight. I feel like I have little balls just pinched in my calves; but I push through it.
 I can tell that I have gotten stronger. I feel trapped by my body. My heart and mind are ready to go; yet there is a fear within me that refuses to push pass the pain. I give up... and I do my workout at an easier pace. Small changes are happening, but I just feel capable of so much more.

Being patient I feel is a huge part of this journey. Something I am slowly learning. I gained weight very quickly. Within a year I went up two dress sizes and gained 70 pounds.  The smallest I have been since my increased weight is 230. That number felt good. I hope I can get back to it. One step at a time... right?

One thing anyone losing weight needs to know though.... is that you must find a way to love yourself.

I love myself because:

I am a good person.
I am patient.
I am great with kids.
I think of others needs.
I am a fighter.
I have overcome many trials.
I am a daughter of God.
I make good choices.
I am beautiful inside and out.

Most recent one I can find.

Go Get it.

OH MY!!

So this past week was pretty great. I got to the gym only two days, but I made those days count!!! I started running on the Treadmill. That is my biggest fear. I started just by walking, then I would jog a bit. The second day I did a lot more running. I was so proud of myself! The whole week all I wanted to do was relive the run. Life got in the way and I had many other obligations that kept me away. 

Being Healthy is time consuming and requires a great deal of time management. Something I need to get better at. So here is to a new week! I get to go see my family in another state... so no gym for the most part... But I have other activities planned. 

Do you know what it is like waking up every day in a strangers body? I have slowly forgot who I am. Each day I wake up and realize I am not who I want to be. I am disgusted by my appearance. And that is heartbreaking. A young woman should love herself. Who she is. My worth should be measured by anything other than what I look like in the mirror. Yet society has taught me that having a certain appearance is what makes you beautiful. The men in my life that I tend to crush on have been fairly clear on how unattractive bigger girls are. When I see this I feel that my life will be spent alone. This puts me into a state of depression. I eat, and I eat. I often feel like I lost control. "You should'nt be eating this" or "you need to not eat so much" are words I tell myself. Yet there I go, disobeying what my body is telling me. I have gotten sick. My skin color is unhealthy, my muscles are weak, and I feel exhausted every single day of my life. My daily activities have become a great chore. Some days even putting on my shoes is hard.

I don't think people realize how hard it is to change. Addictions come in many forms. Some far more harmful than others. Over-eating is no exception to a harmful addiction. When I over-eat I almost feel like its a slow suicide. There is a slight rush followed by eminence guilt. I feel that it doesn't matter anyway. so I continue knowing that my actions will eventually kill me.  I have become more aware of my destructive behaviour in this past year. I have seen myself in this battle. The true me wants to be healthy, active, confident, and helpful to others. Then there is this other side of me who is always putting me down. "You're Ugly, You're Fat, you're unintelligent, You're nothing." It is a viscous voice that never shuts up. I feel that I have finally been able to step out. Step away from this war going on inside and understand that I need to fight harder. I do not want to die, I am beautiful, and my life is worth saving. So I have made some small changes.

If I could wave a magic wand and cut out the part of me that I feel doesn't belong I would re discover the light in my eyes, my collar bones that I used to love. My arms and legs would be muscular ( I know that I would look strange going from my size to skinny) I would add in a little confidence, and be on my way.

My journey for loosing weight has failed so far, but I am not giving up.  I really just want to find joy in my life again. I want to look forward to each day. I want to find meaning in the breath of life the leave my lips daily. Why am I here? and How can I fullfull my purpose if all I can think about is how much I don't want to exist.


I have hit the gym more frequently, I bought a fit bit, I joined orange theory fitness, and I have conquered a few very hard hikes (for me).   I still fail... way too often, but I want to change. I wish that I could have a personal trainer, nutritionist, and a life coach just knock on my door.... but it is not realistic. All I have is myself,  God, and the people who love me. That is what I can rely on.

The wishing game.

I wish that I could feel loved

I wish I could keep commitments to myself

I wish I made time for working out.

I wish I could get a date.

I wish I was more intelligent.

I wish I was talented.

I wish I could be more active.

I am a daughter of God

I am beautiful.

I am capable of great things

I am kind and gentle.

I am a good friend.

I am a great caregiver

I am unique...and that's ok.

I will take better care of my self.

I will seek adventure

I will one day love myself

I will always be me

I will seek knowledge

I will serve others

I will accomplish my dreams.

Yet I live

Today I woke up and weighed myself. Down 6.3 pounds...that was a good sight.  I found out after I got to work that Kennedy Hansen passed away. Kennedy was a sweet girl who like my cousin charlee, lost her life to battens disease. This disease is rare and has no cure. I saw the changes in charlee that this brought on.  She went from playing, dancing, and singing to not being able to do anything. I have read Kennedy's story on her Facebook page Kennedy's hugs.

These girls brought so many people together with their sweet spirits and strong families. Today I feel gratitude. I am grateful for their life stories. I am grateful for their strength. They had no control over what happened to them, but they stayed strong.

My weakness I have created. Every time I put something unhealthy into my body, every time I choose not to exercise; I am making a choice not to live. I increase my chance of disease and health issues as I choose to fail.  I hope I can be as strong as these sweet girls. Every choice I make I hope to keep them in mind. I want to choose life not death. I want to help others see the beauty in life.

My prayers are with charlee and Kennedy's family. I hope I can have half the strength as these two had.

When I get knocked down.

I feel with weight loss it is inevitable to fail. Boy did I fall. I loss y diet bet, and gained 2 pounds in 4 weeks. Failure is a peculiar thing. When I first fail, I want to give up. I stop caring, lose my desire to try, and go back to my old ways.

Today is day 2 of my reboot. I have surrounded yes elf around great friends who encourage me to do better. I gain greater confidence in myself as I speak with them and talk about the truth behind my failure. I am scared of change. This lifestyle is easy, and comfortable. I am scared that loosing the weight won't help, and most of all I am scared I won't succeed.

I have no desire to look like a card board cut out. I have no desire to look "hot" I just want to feel like myself, just healthier.  I feel beautiful most days, but I have an understanding of what others see. My weight is not attractive to most men, and I feel that my lack of confidence makes me less approachable.  I want to run free!

So yes, I did fall. Falling hurts, but if I can get back up;then I can keep moving forward.

Reflections

I have been thinking about the song from mulan "when will my reflection show who I am inside." When I look in the mirror, I see a large body, unhealthy  looking skin, sad eyes. I strangely feel beautiful, even with my flaws ;but if don't feel like myself.

The girl within this prison is beautiful. I am kind, smart, quite funny, and I seek out adventure in all that I do.  I often contemplate what others see me as. When I look at my exterior I see an appearance of lazy and unhealthy. But that is NOT who I am. I am active, I am strong, and I will fight for others to see that in me.

My problem is not being a couch potato. It is food addiction. Unlike an addiction with substances such as alcohol or drugs, food is something we need. I can't just remove myself from food. Eating for me is difficult, I hate having to eat because I know that if it's good, and it gives me that sensation of joy....I will over indulge. It is not just sweets I struggle with either. It is all food  healthy and unhealthy.

I have never really understood the why? of this problem. There are several probable factors, but I have never been able to know what exactly causes me to desire overeating.  In 2009 I lost a significant amount of weight. I went from 220 to 180 and it felt amazing. I was so confident! I kept the weight off for about a year. I believe I truly started gaining weight after the death of my grandma Nina. She was a huge part of my life, and after loosing her I gained weight rapidly. By 2012 I weighed 260 pounds. I went from a size 14 to an 18/20. I would loose weight...and gain it back. I have not been under 230 since that time.

I have had so many ups and downs  in my life, but I am slowly letting go of the pain.  Right now I can honestly say I love myself. I love who I am, and what I am capable of.  I can conquer this, I know that.  It won't be long till my reflection shows who I have become, but the mirror will never show the journey I have gone through on the inside.

I will conquer life, one mountain at a time.

Worth it.

As long as I can remember I have loved the mountains. They are so majestic; just pieces of land stretched high to sky with magical treasures inside.  When I look up at the mountains I can't help but to feel serenity.

As a young child I often went to the near by mountain ranges.  Hiking the trails, visiting the lakes, and occasionally camping were some of the highlights of my childhood. I never thought there would be a day when my favorite past times would become so difficult. Just the other day I was invited on a hike. I weigh 256 pounds, which is a lot of weight to carry on an incline. Each step sent pain through my body. My lungs were not willing to provide the amount of oxygen needed, and I quickly became discouraged. My good friends stayed behind with me. I felt like I was dragging them away from the group and it made me want to quit.

I had to stop several times to catch my breath. Each time I would make a statement about how I should just go sit in my car and give up. They kept encouraging me to keep going and to take my time. (I have pretty great friends).  About the fourth time I stopped I sat down on a rock. I pondered a passage in numbers (Kjv bible) about the children of Israel and how they were always looking back at Egypt and how it was better than where they were. They slowly lost a desire to go to the promise land because their journey was too difficult.  I too knew what was at the end of my journey, a beautiful waterfall.  I became discouraged that my journey was too hard... What did this say about the type of person I was? If I was in their shoes, would I be able to endure the journey?

I have had a few rough days since then but this morning I have a new outlook. Working out is my anti depressant, and  looking at the bigger picture is becoming my coping mechanism.  So here is to endurance, gaining strength from God, and being one step closer to a better me.

Beggining stage

          Beginner beast

I have just completed my first week of beast mode. I watched what I was eating. I included more water in my diet as well as healthy meals and healthy portions.  The heaviest I have ever weighed was 268 pounds. I started my week at 258.4 pounds and currently am 255.8.  I have decided that there in an inner beast hidden in my obese body. A girl who wants to go hiking, a girl who wants to be able to run after kids, and a girl who has been trapped by bad decisions. 

I am one of many who suffer from an eating disorder. Over indulging has been my coping mechanism for as long as I can remember. If I had a ally bad day, the was nothing that a bowl of ice cream and a large pizza couldn't fix. I have been overweight my whole life. I was constantly teased for my weight in elementary school, and grew very self conscious of who I was. I never liked whati saw in the mirror through school.

In 2009 I joined weight watchers. It worked really well, and I went from 223 pound roughly to 188. I swore to myself I would never see 200 again.  But then I put on weight. I could no longer afford the cost of weight watchers, and with my life taking a one eighty I was brought to old habits.  Over the past couple years that number on the scale increased. My self worth decreased, and I found myself in this prison. 

As a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have found how our addictions take control of our agency (our ability to choose ).  I have pondered this more so recently. Food is my addiction. I have let it control me for far to long, and now I am its prisoner. This past month I have been on a journey to find myself.  Who is Rebecca? What is her purpose? As I have done this I have found a new self worth. I am a daughter of God. I know that I am amgoodmperson and have a lot to offer this world. I love being in nature. And I am beautiful! 

I am slowly replacing negative words with positive ones. I am turning to others when i am having a

Bad day. And instead of using food to cope i am facing my problems head on. 

My journey is not just about a weight loss, but a full transformation of who I am. I am slowley breaking out of this prison, and look forward to continuing my journey of finding myself.