Reflections

I have been thinking about the song from mulan "when will my reflection show who I am inside." When I look in the mirror, I see a large body, unhealthy  looking skin, sad eyes. I strangely feel beautiful, even with my flaws ;but if don't feel like myself.

The girl within this prison is beautiful. I am kind, smart, quite funny, and I seek out adventure in all that I do.  I often contemplate what others see me as. When I look at my exterior I see an appearance of lazy and unhealthy. But that is NOT who I am. I am active, I am strong, and I will fight for others to see that in me.

My problem is not being a couch potato. It is food addiction. Unlike an addiction with substances such as alcohol or drugs, food is something we need. I can't just remove myself from food. Eating for me is difficult, I hate having to eat because I know that if it's good, and it gives me that sensation of joy....I will over indulge. It is not just sweets I struggle with either. It is all food  healthy and unhealthy.

I have never really understood the why? of this problem. There are several probable factors, but I have never been able to know what exactly causes me to desire overeating.  In 2009 I lost a significant amount of weight. I went from 220 to 180 and it felt amazing. I was so confident! I kept the weight off for about a year. I believe I truly started gaining weight after the death of my grandma Nina. She was a huge part of my life, and after loosing her I gained weight rapidly. By 2012 I weighed 260 pounds. I went from a size 14 to an 18/20. I would loose weight...and gain it back. I have not been under 230 since that time.

I have had so many ups and downs  in my life, but I am slowly letting go of the pain.  Right now I can honestly say I love myself. I love who I am, and what I am capable of.  I can conquer this, I know that.  It won't be long till my reflection shows who I have become, but the mirror will never show the journey I have gone through on the inside.

I will conquer life, one mountain at a time.