Today I woke up and weighed myself. Down 6.3 pounds...that was a good sight. I found out after I got to work that Kennedy Hansen passed away. Kennedy was a sweet girl who like my cousin charlee, lost her life to battens disease. This disease is rare and has no cure. I saw the changes in charlee that this brought on. She went from playing, dancing, and singing to not being able to do anything. I have read Kennedy's story on her Facebook page Kennedy's hugs.
These girls brought so many people together with their sweet spirits and strong families. Today I feel gratitude. I am grateful for their life stories. I am grateful for their strength. They had no control over what happened to them, but they stayed strong.
My weakness I have created. Every time I put something unhealthy into my body, every time I choose not to exercise; I am making a choice not to live. I increase my chance of disease and health issues as I choose to fail. I hope I can be as strong as these sweet girls. Every choice I make I hope to keep them in mind. I want to choose life not death. I want to help others see the beauty in life.
My prayers are with charlee and Kennedy's family. I hope I can have half the strength as these two had.
Friday, May 30, 2014
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
When I get knocked down.
I feel with weight loss it is inevitable to fail. Boy did I fall. I loss y diet bet, and gained 2 pounds in 4 weeks. Failure is a peculiar thing. When I first fail, I want to give up. I stop caring, lose my desire to try, and go back to my old ways.
Today is day 2 of my reboot. I have surrounded yes elf around great friends who encourage me to do better. I gain greater confidence in myself as I speak with them and talk about the truth behind my failure. I am scared of change. This lifestyle is easy, and comfortable. I am scared that loosing the weight won't help, and most of all I am scared I won't succeed.
I have no desire to look like a card board cut out. I have no desire to look "hot" I just want to feel like myself, just healthier. I feel beautiful most days, but I have an understanding of what others see. My weight is not attractive to most men, and I feel that my lack of confidence makes me less approachable. I want to run free!
So yes, I did fall. Falling hurts, but if I can get back up;then I can keep moving forward.
Today is day 2 of my reboot. I have surrounded yes elf around great friends who encourage me to do better. I gain greater confidence in myself as I speak with them and talk about the truth behind my failure. I am scared of change. This lifestyle is easy, and comfortable. I am scared that loosing the weight won't help, and most of all I am scared I won't succeed.
I have no desire to look like a card board cut out. I have no desire to look "hot" I just want to feel like myself, just healthier. I feel beautiful most days, but I have an understanding of what others see. My weight is not attractive to most men, and I feel that my lack of confidence makes me less approachable. I want to run free!
So yes, I did fall. Falling hurts, but if I can get back up;then I can keep moving forward.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Reflections
I have been thinking about the song from mulan "when will my reflection show who I am inside." When I look in the mirror, I see a large body, unhealthy looking skin, sad eyes. I strangely feel beautiful, even with my flaws ;but if don't feel like myself.
The girl within this prison is beautiful. I am kind, smart, quite funny, and I seek out adventure in all that I do. I often contemplate what others see me as. When I look at my exterior I see an appearance of lazy and unhealthy. But that is NOT who I am. I am active, I am strong, and I will fight for others to see that in me.
My problem is not being a couch potato. It is food addiction. Unlike an addiction with substances such as alcohol or drugs, food is something we need. I can't just remove myself from food. Eating for me is difficult, I hate having to eat because I know that if it's good, and it gives me that sensation of joy....I will over indulge. It is not just sweets I struggle with either. It is all food healthy and unhealthy.
I have never really understood the why? of this problem. There are several probable factors, but I have never been able to know what exactly causes me to desire overeating. In 2009 I lost a significant amount of weight. I went from 220 to 180 and it felt amazing. I was so confident! I kept the weight off for about a year. I believe I truly started gaining weight after the death of my grandma Nina. She was a huge part of my life, and after loosing her I gained weight rapidly. By 2012 I weighed 260 pounds. I went from a size 14 to an 18/20. I would loose weight...and gain it back. I have not been under 230 since that time.
I have had so many ups and downs in my life, but I am slowly letting go of the pain. Right now I can honestly say I love myself. I love who I am, and what I am capable of. I can conquer this, I know that. It won't be long till my reflection shows who I have become, but the mirror will never show the journey I have gone through on the inside.
I will conquer life, one mountain at a time.
The girl within this prison is beautiful. I am kind, smart, quite funny, and I seek out adventure in all that I do. I often contemplate what others see me as. When I look at my exterior I see an appearance of lazy and unhealthy. But that is NOT who I am. I am active, I am strong, and I will fight for others to see that in me.
My problem is not being a couch potato. It is food addiction. Unlike an addiction with substances such as alcohol or drugs, food is something we need. I can't just remove myself from food. Eating for me is difficult, I hate having to eat because I know that if it's good, and it gives me that sensation of joy....I will over indulge. It is not just sweets I struggle with either. It is all food healthy and unhealthy.
I have never really understood the why? of this problem. There are several probable factors, but I have never been able to know what exactly causes me to desire overeating. In 2009 I lost a significant amount of weight. I went from 220 to 180 and it felt amazing. I was so confident! I kept the weight off for about a year. I believe I truly started gaining weight after the death of my grandma Nina. She was a huge part of my life, and after loosing her I gained weight rapidly. By 2012 I weighed 260 pounds. I went from a size 14 to an 18/20. I would loose weight...and gain it back. I have not been under 230 since that time.
I have had so many ups and downs in my life, but I am slowly letting go of the pain. Right now I can honestly say I love myself. I love who I am, and what I am capable of. I can conquer this, I know that. It won't be long till my reflection shows who I have become, but the mirror will never show the journey I have gone through on the inside.
I will conquer life, one mountain at a time.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Worth it.
As long as I can remember I have loved the mountains. They are so majestic; just pieces of land stretched high to sky with magical treasures inside. When I look up at the mountains I can't help but to feel serenity.
As a young child I often went to the near by mountain ranges. Hiking the trails, visiting the lakes, and occasionally camping were some of the highlights of my childhood. I never thought there would be a day when my favorite past times would become so difficult. Just the other day I was invited on a hike. I weigh 256 pounds, which is a lot of weight to carry on an incline. Each step sent pain through my body. My lungs were not willing to provide the amount of oxygen needed, and I quickly became discouraged. My good friends stayed behind with me. I felt like I was dragging them away from the group and it made me want to quit.
I had to stop several times to catch my breath. Each time I would make a statement about how I should just go sit in my car and give up. They kept encouraging me to keep going and to take my time. (I have pretty great friends). About the fourth time I stopped I sat down on a rock. I pondered a passage in numbers (Kjv bible) about the children of Israel and how they were always looking back at Egypt and how it was better than where they were. They slowly lost a desire to go to the promise land because their journey was too difficult. I too knew what was at the end of my journey, a beautiful waterfall. I became discouraged that my journey was too hard... What did this say about the type of person I was? If I was in their shoes, would I be able to endure the journey?
I have had a few rough days since then but this morning I have a new outlook. Working out is my anti depressant, and looking at the bigger picture is becoming my coping mechanism. So here is to endurance, gaining strength from God, and being one step closer to a better me.
As a young child I often went to the near by mountain ranges. Hiking the trails, visiting the lakes, and occasionally camping were some of the highlights of my childhood. I never thought there would be a day when my favorite past times would become so difficult. Just the other day I was invited on a hike. I weigh 256 pounds, which is a lot of weight to carry on an incline. Each step sent pain through my body. My lungs were not willing to provide the amount of oxygen needed, and I quickly became discouraged. My good friends stayed behind with me. I felt like I was dragging them away from the group and it made me want to quit.
I had to stop several times to catch my breath. Each time I would make a statement about how I should just go sit in my car and give up. They kept encouraging me to keep going and to take my time. (I have pretty great friends). About the fourth time I stopped I sat down on a rock. I pondered a passage in numbers (Kjv bible) about the children of Israel and how they were always looking back at Egypt and how it was better than where they were. They slowly lost a desire to go to the promise land because their journey was too difficult. I too knew what was at the end of my journey, a beautiful waterfall. I became discouraged that my journey was too hard... What did this say about the type of person I was? If I was in their shoes, would I be able to endure the journey?
I have had a few rough days since then but this morning I have a new outlook. Working out is my anti depressant, and looking at the bigger picture is becoming my coping mechanism. So here is to endurance, gaining strength from God, and being one step closer to a better me.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Beggining stage
Beginner beast
I have just completed my first week of beast mode. I watched what I was eating. I included more water in my diet as well as healthy meals and healthy portions. The heaviest I have ever weighed was 268 pounds. I started my week at 258.4 pounds and currently am 255.8. I have decided that there in an inner beast hidden in my obese body. A girl who wants to go hiking, a girl who wants to be able to run after kids, and a girl who has been trapped by bad decisions.
I am one of many who suffer from an eating disorder. Over indulging has been my coping mechanism for as long as I can remember. If I had a ally bad day, the was nothing that a bowl of ice cream and a large pizza couldn't fix. I have been overweight my whole life. I was constantly teased for my weight in elementary school, and grew very self conscious of who I was. I never liked whati saw in the mirror through school.
In 2009 I joined weight watchers. It worked really well, and I went from 223 pound roughly to 188. I swore to myself I would never see 200 again. But then I put on weight. I could no longer afford the cost of weight watchers, and with my life taking a one eighty I was brought to old habits. Over the past couple years that number on the scale increased. My self worth decreased, and I found myself in this prison.
As a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have found how our addictions take control of our agency (our ability to choose ). I have pondered this more so recently. Food is my addiction. I have let it control me for far to long, and now I am its prisoner. This past month I have been on a journey to find myself. Who is Rebecca? What is her purpose? As I have done this I have found a new self worth. I am a daughter of God. I know that I am amgoodmperson and have a lot to offer this world. I love being in nature. And I am beautiful!
I am slowly replacing negative words with positive ones. I am turning to others when i am having a
Bad day. And instead of using food to cope i am facing my problems head on.
My journey is not just about a weight loss, but a full transformation of who I am. I am slowley breaking out of this prison, and look forward to continuing my journey of finding myself.
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