Do you know what it is like waking up every day in a strangers body? I have slowly forgot who I am. Each day I wake up and realize I am not who I want to be. I am disgusted by my appearance. And that is heartbreaking. A young woman should love herself. Who she is. My worth should be measured by anything other than what I look like in the mirror. Yet society has taught me that having a certain appearance is what makes you beautiful. The men in my life that I tend to crush on have been fairly clear on how unattractive bigger girls are. When I see this I feel that my life will be spent alone. This puts me into a state of depression. I eat, and I eat. I often feel like I lost control. "You should'nt be eating this" or "you need to not eat so much" are words I tell myself. Yet there I go, disobeying what my body is telling me. I have gotten sick. My skin color is unhealthy, my muscles are weak, and I feel exhausted every single day of my life. My daily activities have become a great chore. Some days even putting on my shoes is hard.
I don't think people realize how hard it is to change. Addictions come in many forms. Some far more harmful than others. Over-eating is no exception to a harmful addiction. When I over-eat I almost feel like its a slow suicide. There is a slight rush followed by eminence guilt. I feel that it doesn't matter anyway. so I continue knowing that my actions will eventually kill me. I have become more aware of my destructive behaviour in this past year. I have seen myself in this battle. The true me wants to be healthy, active, confident, and helpful to others. Then there is this other side of me who is always putting me down. "You're Ugly, You're Fat, you're unintelligent, You're nothing." It is a viscous voice that never shuts up. I feel that I have finally been able to step out. Step away from this war going on inside and understand that I need to fight harder. I do not want to die, I am beautiful, and my life is worth saving. So I have made some small changes.
If I could wave a magic wand and cut out the part of me that I feel doesn't belong I would re discover the light in my eyes, my collar bones that I used to love. My arms and legs would be muscular ( I know that I would look strange going from my size to skinny) I would add in a little confidence, and be on my way.
My journey for loosing weight has failed so far, but I am not giving up. I really just want to find joy in my life again. I want to look forward to each day. I want to find meaning in the breath of life the leave my lips daily. Why am I here? and How can I fullfull my purpose if all I can think about is how much I don't want to exist.
I have hit the gym more frequently, I bought a fit bit, I joined orange theory fitness, and I have conquered a few very hard hikes (for me). I still fail... way too often, but I want to change. I wish that I could have a personal trainer, nutritionist, and a life coach just knock on my door.... but it is not realistic. All I have is myself, God, and the people who love me. That is what I can rely on.
